unbounded request

Flickr

2005-09-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

2005-08-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

In case you are one of those people that only read this blog, I have recently been writing more on my xanga site, just for you information.

summer?

2005-06-16T11:13:00.000-07:00

Is working 40 hours a week and wishing to go back to school okay? I suppose so. I feel so dull, but then I compare myself to two of the 40 year old mothers that work for Starbucks at a farely low payrate. It doesn't seem worth it. It's summer time. What do these mothers do with their kids while they're at work all day? That's why I'm in school now right?

Yesterday and the last few days I've become so ambitious... for what, I'm not quite sure yet. I did start this quilt that my mom was teaching me how to make in honor of my youth pastor's mother who died suddenly 2 days ago. So, for me to suddenly pick up this time filler just seemed appropriate and somehow special. This lady had taught my mother how to quilt 4 days before she passed away. The least I can do is honor her by passing this interesting craft on.

Despite these things, I still feel full. A completeness in my ability to maintain a happiness. Maybe it's because I am happy and I am aloud to be happy. There is no guilt, no distraction, no entisement, just simple happiness and peace. This I still find as unusual, but despite the rush of movement, despite the sneak of inhibition, I still maintain that I am delighted.

I delight in so many things; my family, simplicity in beauty, an aplomb disposition (rather sang-froid), love despite so many things... I delight in grace. I delight in acceptance, in arms holding tight to one's midsection... I delight.

Um...yes, finally.

2005-06-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

I'm surely listening to Coldplay's X&Y

Weddings and showers and chaos....

2005-06-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

I need to get out. Nothing productive will occur within the near region of me if I stay here on this chair in this living room with these women. The brother knows the right way to maintain sanity. He is hiding downstairs on his computer.
There's a black snake on my porch. It's about 3 feet long. I've always loved snakes. It's crawling up my wooden post up into a plant and it's muscles are going crazy. I'm going to go catch it for dinner.

Starshmucks

2005-05-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

You know... people in Charlotte are a lot friendly, not only as far as partners but also customers. People don't give you an attitude when they don't get their drink fast enough. Plus if it takes you forever to make a drink, I'm aloud to just hand out this free drink coupon and they're happy again. No joke. It's so nice here. I know that I was slower in finishing drinks just because of the change in stores, but I also think that they were surprised by how much I already knew. There were three "new" people, including myself and for them to not have to train the third was just a point of convenience. The stress level was slightly higher despite the amount of people working (because of my newness), but the short 4 hour shift went quickly and I'll be glad to see them bright and early tomorrow morning.

the family and the like

2005-05-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dad's home, and Elizabeth is home for another week or so. One big happy family, for who knows how long. Michael and Elizabeth are in the process of switching rooms and painting and the like. The basement is a mess. Elizabeth and I bought a piece of art from a guy at her school that does anime style art. It is my brother's b-day present and it wasn't exactly cheap, but he's designing his whole room around it. It should be pretty cool knowing my sister picked out the color of his room and she's great with that stuff. She did my room in an asian theme and my favorite green when I was away on a missions trip, then they made me finish it, ha. It kind of has the artsy fartsy 'Trading Spaces' feel, but it's nice.

This is another 'I don't know what to do with myself' day. I start work on Tuesday, but they gave me 4 hour shifts for the first week, so it's kind of like, hey guys, what's going on?

I have the urge to watch Mary Poppins. This is an unusual sensation.

state of heart:

2005-05-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

heavy

home again home again

2005-05-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

It's the trees and the crispness of the sky against the land that I had forgotten about, that I forget about every time I leave for the windy city. It really is good to be home. I'm feeling a lot better than yesterday and the majority of last week. Been home for 2 hours and I've been unpacking and such, then of course the convenience of wireless has me distracted from my task. And of course I needed to listen to some Alison Krauss & Union Station along with some Damien Rice.

It's getting time for my bed or maybe a little more unpacking. I surely need to find the coffee for tomorrow morning. Hope everyone's summer has begun with many blessings.

little piggies went to the market

2005-05-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

3:51 am
Final touches on the mother paper before it goes into the hands of the highly esteemed. Listening to a little jazz as I unwind from a week of tests and essays, trying to get back to the groove of life. Wish you could feel this jazz like I'm feeling it right now. "It really cuts."
An evening at the Bourgeois Pig. Classical upstairs constantly while Skip James and Bjork (her new cd that I haven't heard yet) etc., were playing downstairs. But I can't complain. It's been a long time in coming, but the couch and my rear finally reunited. Doesn't it feel good. Ahhhhhh
Don't mind me....
3:59 am

2005-05-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

I can tell you all about Indonesian, Indian, and Filipino music or about protruding gongs or Western influences on their music. I can tell you about Salsa dancing or Flamenco dancing or where jazz initially stemmed from. Or if you'd rather know the ascethics of African voices or what throat singing I might be able to tell you, but it's nothing like experiencing it. What is all this work for? and how can I still love it so much?

In my sight

2005-04-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

And this is where I will be on September 30th thanks to Charlie

2005-04-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the Weaver by Ken Medema of which Jonathan and I performed in last weekend. I can't get over how Ken is such a beautiful person. A blind pianist and composer who has this childlike disposition, an amazing ear, and such a poetic mind. I am still in awe of his creativity and love for music and God.

Last night we watched American Beauty, a Sam Mendes movie, and I definitely walked away in shock, or something that held my mind until this morning. There are so many things that are left to the audience to decipher but they are still woven into the script of necessity. I would really only recommend this movie to people that are emotionally stable. If you've seen it you know that it at times makes you squirm in your seat and at other times makes you want to cry for injustice and pain. For some it will put their focus back in the right place and for others it will totally destroy them. Enjoy!

Sir Goethe and the tulip

2005-04-21T01:19:00.000-07:00

There's a yellow tulip in a mug in water on my desk. It has some friends but it still stands alone for this reason... Within 20 minutes of picking it from a sidewalk while Jesus was looking down at us, it opened up fully in this 4 inch (diameter) flower. It has definitely stolen the show from Sir Goethe my computer, and that's not an easy thing to accomplish. Sir Goethe has some catching up to do...

2005-04-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

I've taken to some excessive lengths to think of way to procrastinate in my load of hefty schoolwork. In thus, I fear that there may be one or two classes that may not meet the standard of creditation. But in my fear I will find comfort, or apathy really, because the weeks ahead continue to only remind that I will soon be in a place where apathy is not a sin. But until that time, I will attempt to manipulate my impetus.

Other people's ramblings and glory

2005-04-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

April 10th- A Diary of an Old Sould by George MacDonald

Might I but scatter interfering things--
Questions and doubts, distrusts and anxious pride,
And in thy garment, as under gatyhering wings, Nestle obedient to thy loving side,
Easy it were to love thee. But when thou
Send'st me to think and labor from thee wide,
Love falls to asking many a why and how.
---

And excerpt of Feast Days III by Annie Dillard

God empties himself
into the earth like a cloud.
God takes the substance, ontours
of a man, and keeps them,
dying, rising, walking,
and still walking
wherever there is motion.

At night in the ocean
the sponges are secretly building;
by day in a pharmacy drawer
capsules stil in their jars.
Once, on the Musselshell,
I regenerated an arm!
Shake hands. When I stand
the blood runs up.
On what bright wind
did god walk down?
Swaying under the snow,
reeling minutely, revels the star-moss
pleased.
---

Chicago Poems by Carl Sandburg

Nocturne in a Deserted Brickyard
Stuff of the moon
Runs on the lapping sand
Out to the longest shadows.
Under the curving willows,
Ad round the creep of the wave line,
Fluxions of yellow and dusk on the waters
Make a side dreaming pansy of an old pond in the night.

In and out of dreams

2005-04-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in Philosophy forcing myself to stay awake by writing anything that came to mind. Some of it is crazy but most of it still draws from either something in the room or my own experiences in the past. Half asleep and dosing through sentences, here is what I wrote.

What of serenity, what of slumber once again? Will I be known as unintellibile, judge during this hour? What of peace and joy during this hour of fallacy? I've tied my shoes and held your hand. We've watched suns come and go in Danish fields. Fever without heat. Why am I wearing white shoes? What in my character flows? My jeans fold over at the botom so they won't drag. Trees have blossoms now and the grass has once again turned green. Red, blue, red, silver, green on my wrist. No context, just fact. Keep me awake. You don't know what you're saying. Be good to me peace, happiness.

Embroidered cape on square shoulders hold firm importance. Eastern skies blaze yellow, teal violet, pasterls for Springtime. Let me go. Bright eyed, loved girl, are you happy when you hold his hand? Are yo uasleep while life goes by? Are you missing me, missing out on life? Gap striped shirt and no sock loafers. Hail a cab and ride for free as far as you can or maybe a trolley. Why not just walk?

Beautiful sister, climb your mountains and never come back down, but only let me go with you. My brother, be who you are with you developing talents, worth the world and all my own. I'll be seeing you soon. Can I force a bird to fly, a ball to bounce or roll, make a peacock spread its tail? 5 minutes until I fail. Every day, every chance I love thee. Let me step to your side, not envoius, never envoking, just enthralled, broken, non-exiting. I shouldn't be. Beautiful face come closer to my life.

you'd be proud Charlie

2005-04-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

I gave a speech this morning on dirtbiking and streetbiking. I walked into class not knowing that I had to give a speech and thus I attempted to compare the two and such. I don't think anyone knew that I wasn't prepared. So that's my 8 o'clock and now I'm waiting for Philosophy and a chance to talk to my prof about the quiz I missed last week. I'm such a great student. yeah.

6 weeks and counting.

Closer and closer

2005-04-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am closer and closer to home
What I miss and what I call my own
Be a place to stand in, hold me
settling benevolence, dare to scold me
None of this secret life that I live
Far in glass by water and wind
will protrude through to you
I will be home soon.

where's the dog?

2005-03-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

So last night we were staying with this family who had 2 dogs. This was a really nice house, very big, really open. But that really has nothing to do with this. One dog was big and marble-ish colored with a little pit-bull in it, but was very friendly. The other was in the back room, this is the one we were warned about. They said that she's old and has trouble controlling herself. So right off the bat we're thinking "oh no, what is that supposed to mean?". But it seemed like everything was under control until we got up for breakfast the next morning. The misses told us as we sat down that they had to put her to sleep that morning. She was wining and barking all night which I didn't tell her how much it kept me up. Man what a day, for us to come and the day they have to put down man's best friend. Sad. Hope we don't bring such bad luck the rest of tour.

My demur

2005-03-04T23:18:00.000-08:00

It has paid off. Or paid me back 2 fold. In this busy hour before Spring Break I sat studying for more than 3 hours before taking an online midterm and not matter how much I study I feel that I will still end up taking this course over. I'm just too far behind to catch up. I love the information, not the prof particularly, but i enjoy the reading very much. I think I was just so apathetic and bitter at the beginning of the semester that I am having to work really hard now to be where I should. Hence, to say, I did not do well on this exam along with the other tests that I have thus far taken.

On a better note. I went to dinner and a movie tonight with a friend from work and it's the second time I've been to a theatre in Chicago, the first being for 'The Passion of Christ', which was encouraged for all students to see. It was good to be off campus and in new places. We went to Weber Grill and saw Cursed. The movie very much reminded me of a mix of Underworld and Jeepers Creepers only with a werewolf. I would only recommend this Wes Craven movie to certain people. It was a fun evening getting to know this kid and besides, Spring Break does lend it's benefits even if I am going to be on a bus for 14 days with 60 other people. yay.

It's 2:30am. I'm wide awake talking to Billy who is in Texas, ye-ha. I haven't talked to him in a couple months so it's good to hear from him. I was actually planning to stay up all night to study but I got tired of that and took the test. Anywa, yeah. It's 3am now and I still haven't published this and I'm still on the phone. Goodnight. Happy Spring Break, it'll go by fast.

this thing is freaking amazing

2005-02-28T22:32:00.000-08:00

I don't think I've anticipated anything so much in my life and now it's finally here and I'm typing on it. My own laptop. Yes, you heard it. I'm very happy with it and it's really small, but not too small and it's a wide screen, but not too wide. And it's very pretty. I'm putting all my music on it. The only thing is that I don't have a big enough battery for tour to NYC next week, but I can use it up on the bus and recharge wherever I am that day. Plus it will be very convenient to have in order to write my 25 page paper or which I don't really have a thesis or a topic really. All I know is that I'm writing it on a people group music style and the like. If anyone has any favorites, give me a holla because I just cannot pick a people group out of the blue. I need sources and an interview and history, probably the most massive research paper I've ever written. Okay, kids, bed time.

Peace?

2005-02-26T16:23:00.000-08:00

A peace that goes beyond the limitations of understanding? A peace that walks beside and the holds the hand of rest? Enveloping, transforming. Are observance, conceivability, understanding understatements? Are they necessary for peace? It must not be so because it is written that peace surpasses such things. We feel superior with knowledge. Isn't it true though? Why else would there be certain things held from our us. But of course...so that we might search in darkness and that he may marvel in our weakness. Not marvel with delight because we are weak, but in the sense that he receives joy in our invitation to reach down, coming down to the lowest of levels to place his palms under our feet that have no foundation to lift us up into His light, into His glory. He gains honor and praise from our weakness because in our weakness He is strong! In our weakness, he receives glory! In this alone I find rest. In this alone I find comfort and even peace.
2/23

the laptop is coming...

2005-02-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

Yes, this means that I will be visiting this site more frequently. It's a Dell 700m and I'm stoked. Yes I just said stoked. Pretty much a week after I get it, I'll be writing a 25 page paper along with a couple other papers ranging from 2-8 pages. This would not have been capable considering the fact that I will be touring the Norht-Eastern states on a charter bus with 60 other people. It will still be difficult, but easier. And yes, I am stoked about this computer. Check out my hardware. Peace.
han

Bob

2005-02-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

Some things are unmistakable; knowing that you don't want to be in a place that goes below 30 degrees for the rest of your life, or having such an urgency to be gone after talking to someone that is pretty much gone. I met this person, we'll call him Bob for the sake of well blogging and embarrassment. I met him through some other friends at Moody. I didn't have a voice when I actually met him so he asked me yes or no questions to try to figure out what major I was and the like. It was like a game. Me sitting there with a cup of chamomile tea praying that it would hit the respiratory illness, people chatting all around and there's Bob asking me about ministry and ethnomusicology and the like. From there on out in the relationship I found depth and meaning in every conversation. There was never a conversation in passing, it always held on until one or the other really had to go. I was always real and I had no problems being so. Then there was a break in communication. I hadn't heard from Bob, I heard that he was in Florida training for Wycliffe, because he had already graduated and was going into Wycliffe which I found encouraging and discouraging at the same time for different reasons. I hadn't heard from him for a month or so and felt awkward calling him when he wouldn't return my call.
Well, I saw my friend today in the library and we ended up talking for half an hour until I really had to go take my exam. I started thinking about everything he's done already in his life and what he wants to do. I was encouraged by that passion and discouraged because I couldn't go with him. I can't (although I've considered it numerous times) just leave what I'm doing here. I don't know why I'm here and I don't understand all the excess that I have to go through to obtain my goal, but if this is where God wants me for the next 3/4 semesters then who am to say differently. I still want to go to Nigeria with Bob, or go somewhere that is not here, but I'll wait for my time and trust that God has a plan for my life, and if things and certain people are not in my life, I will also trust that God has better (although unimaginable. :)

The Gates?

2005-02-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

Is it art? See for yourself. The Gates. Check out the photo gallery.

2005-02-14T08:11:00.000-08:00

I rarely understand what others see from me or what is understood by those who have to or choose to listen. I can't figure out why you would chose to listen in the first place, but I guess that is not my place to wonder. If you are put off, I understand that it is not measured by the inability of comprehension, but by the substance that you are expected to comprehend. Try not to be put off and I will try not to assume in my weakness that you are guessing my potency.

If I cannot understand who I am in Christ how can another be uplifted. How can I sing praise in this disheveled bitterness. How can I still be looked upon as benign. This is not pleasurable, not ambrosian, not worthy or what I've been called to. But how can I still be one whom He delights. Although, in my weakness He is strong. In this I trust and have confidence. It's only in this angle that I do see favor, but from days past could see none. It's only now that I can write about what I still do not comprehend only to still come to no conclusion. But with this window I can afford would I could then not think about; vulnerability. Being vulnerable to a friend whom owed me nothing and was still loyal.

I can't explain this sleep, my defense mechanism, my escape route. I have no answer, I have no reason for what has taken place. Swallow and digest my fervent apology that I may learn from my weakness and grow in vulnerability.

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
I will awaken the dawn.
I will praise you, O Lord among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.

Find strength in my weakness.
HP

I posted what I wrote on the 12th as well.

2005-02-12T22:15:00.000-08:00

All I do is sleep. I can barely find reason to go to class let alone get up. I don't know why I'm like this. I have no answers. I'm sorry for my offenses if I have had made any that I do not know of. I'm sorry for being confusing and for not answering the phone. I wish I could just turn it off like a light switch. I wish it were that easy.

I haven't had words. I haven't had anything to say. Only a few know anything about what's going on. Again I'm sorry. It's not been easy. I know this doesn't say much.

2005-01-24T13:34:00.001-08:00

I can't find consistency here. I feel like everything would be okay if I was home away from here. It's even to the point that I wish I could take next semester off and come back fresh and really dig into my work. I'm not putting forth any effort at all. So, pray I find my effort and time management.
adios
HP

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrer

2005-01-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

ba humbug. it's snowing and dern cold. and I want to play raquetball or volleyball in the warmth.
HP

doing something with my time

2005-01-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm wasting a lot of time on the computer right now to make this evening go by faster. Yesterday was not a good day, along with this morning. But I have a job, I have good classes, I have breathe, and a great God.

I'm wasting time because I'm fighting the urge to go to bed this early such as I did last night. And then wake up every two or so hours. I'm not stressed, I really have nothing that I'm worried about. This is just what happens sometimes.

I'll be gone from tomorrow until Monday on a tour through Iowa and Indiana I believe, although in my mind, I can't even slightly picture the shape of Iowa or whether it is anywhere close to Indiana. Therefore, I could be totally wrong and I'm willing to admit that. After this weekend we will be loosing one of our horn players and then adding another later. Hopefully we will have more to work with making the horn section sound even more amazing than it somehow is.

So adios until Monday

something is wrong inside me

2005-01-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

This isn't normal. I feel irritable, all I want to do is sleep, I don't want to talk to anyone/make new friends. I feel like everyone is out to get me or everyone is purposely ignoring me. Actually, that one is a pretty common feeling. I'm paranoid for no reason and about nothing really.
I really don't want to be here and I know that after classes get into their "swing," "things will get better" but I have this vague idea that things will be worse. Worse than how depressed I was last semester. I had too much sleep, no appetite, and no time for anything. This semester I have too much time. I contrasted my semesters too greatly.

Update

2005-01-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow is classes of the Spring semester '05. I'm not really happy about classes or being back. I'm not really happy that Starbuck's thinks I asked for a 6 week break for winter tour. I don't know how they got 6 weeks from 3 days. I have some clearing up to do and hopefully I'll be back on the schedule soon. Plus, my schedule "isn't really open" even though I've given more hours that I could give last semester, so I feel like I've been "humped". (10 pts to whoever can source the quote, minus Debra)

After two full days of rehearsal (9am to 9pm with breaks for lunch and dinner) I slept the majority of the day today. Yes, I know. I'm a heathen. But I needed it. Everyone's back from break. Class starts tomorrow and I'm trying to add another class, but can't find anything to add, so I might not have any note worthy classes on tuesdays and thursdays. Therefore, I feel that I have plenty of hours to supply Starbuck's with and I feel that the whole situation is asinine.

On that note. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's celebration. Back to work.

arthritis sucks

2005-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

I've had shoulder problems for as many years as I can remember. It's gotten pretty bad since I started playing french horn regularly for Moody's symphonic band. The repetative stress doesn't help at all. So I'm having 3 days straight of chiropractic ajustments and treatments. I'm on day 2 and hurting like hell. Yesterday he did something where my shoulder blade and arm jerked backwards and then put me on a machine that sent electric shocks through my shoulder and it ached all day. Today he pulled my arm up and in the same way tried to somehow release the tention in my arm and then put me on the machine again. I'm aching terribly with ice on my shoulder and it's only been an hour. I have to go to work now. I don't even know if I can use my left arm at all if it's as bad as yesterday was, but at least I can type!

lack of enthusiasm

2004-12-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

It's interesting how much grief I've gotten for not have a blog entry in 10 or so days. It's like people care about what I'm up to or something. Weird. Either that or they have no where else to go when they're online and in that case I feel used and thrown out like clutter in Charlie's apt.

It is really good to be back but there are a couple things that I don't miss, one being the crippling drama that never ends and I've had to work to not become a part of while still taking part in group activities. I've rather been enjoying my time with my family and staying up late and getting up late. Work at Applebee's has been refreshing and helpful with funds, reembursing me for the more expensive Christmas giving than last year. Not that I spent much more, I just had more to spend so I felt better about doing so.

It is hard to decide to work during break because when they need you it's hard to get out of working especially when no one else wants to take your shift or when you're having people over that night for New Year's Eve. I'm telling people come over around 10pm and hopefully I'll be home soon after. And tomorrow night at work is either going to be amazing with everyone eating out before the big party or everyone will have someone to be and not want to eat out, which means no money for Hannah. Although, my Dad is saying that he needs to leave early Saturday which means that we end this little party early or take it completely somewhere else which really bites. If anyone has a suggestion let me know.

Yes I'm working tonight, tomorrow night (New Year's Eve) and Saturday night, Sunday morning at 11am, and Tuesday night. I guess I don't mind so much. I enjoy serving and making money so I'm not complaining.

Oh, Debra, I'm burning you and B some CD's for you're new A-P-T. Like Frou Frou and the Shins and the Postal Service. So, hope you like those.

Yesterday was the first day I picked up my books for my correspondence course and I should have been working on them all break, but I figure it I work on it a little every day, that is if I actually work on them, I can get past the half way point and actually take the first exam when I get back to school and then hopefully finish up the course in the next 3 months. So we'll see. It's not really all the difficult seeing as how this course it 'Christian Missions' being the history of Missions ecumenically and I've already taken half of Christianity and Western Culture which is the history of Christianity, so I feel that I'm doing pretty well with facts and such.

French pressing my coffee

2004-12-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you. There's not only a satisfaction in getting to put the water right in with the grinded beans, there's also satisfaction in the simplicity of the device and how great the coffe tastes compared to all other coffee makers. There's no filter to extract the savory oils in the beans and you can get the desired taste and depth in your coffee which just a few attempts to get the hang of it. The only drawback is it fragility. It's easy to break, being a glass beaker. But with correct precautions taken, such as stirring the coffee with a plastic or wooden spoon, it will limit the changes of breakage. Great for Christmas presents to those over 10 years of age. "Start them young" I always say.

I sound like a freaking infomercial.

---

I'm finished with my Romans exam, therefore, my life is bliss right now. I didn't even really study for the other exam today because I knew it would be a breeze compared to this exam. Melinda and I studied last night until 3:30am feeling pretty prepared with the exam, compared to how we felt before studying together. Then this morning we joined one more to our group to write the paper which I think will be very helpful to our grade. Here is some of what I remember studying just so you get a feel of how hectic this class has been all semester doubling here at the end.

Romans 7:14-25 "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. [Keep reading. It gets better] ...For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at te work within my members. What a wretched man I am!.....So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but int he sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

That was the context. This is the issue we wrote about. What are the 3 major views of I giving support and weaknesses of all 3. Chose one view and support it. I'm not going to write the whole paper out again, but I will tell you what I've learned so that it will not go to waste and someday I might come back and read this and say "oh yes, I did learn something in that destructive class"
Here are the views. Paul has taken the writing stance of 1) a believer 2)an unbeliever or 3) a pious Jew. Supporting Paul as a believer we may say that the sinful nature is still present although Christ's redemption has giving us freedom from that bondage. But there's so much evidence that Paul was not taking this stance, which I'll discuss momentarily. Saying that Paul is writing as an unbeliever provides that he would have still been a slave to sin not being able to control whether he does good or bad although he wants to do good. This explains verse18 which says, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature." Verse 25 also suggests that the author did not understand the grace of God, but only the law of God. If we take the pious Jew who follows the law but is not saved, who is still a slave to sin, it can be seen that he is trying to do good but finds himself unsuccessful. But this stance can also be refuted becuase these pious Jews would not have spoken of their sin in such a way. They were proud and hypocritical in every way.

I know you're excited about this, to see what stance we took. I know you can't wait at all. Hold it in, it's coming....
We took the stance that Paul was writing as bold an unbeliever and a pious Jew. They overlap each other. Paul may have been pulling from his life before he was saved which would apply well with his heritage being Jewish and him having been pious and unbelieving. We said that the both people/groups could not have known nor understood the gift that comes from the righteousness of God. This can be supported by the huge contrast when Paul goes on the write in chapter 8 about life through the spirit, not death in slavery to sin.

So this is a glimpse into my world of Romans and one of the many conclusions that had needed to be formed to receive a generous grade. Hope you received some tidbit of knowledge or a different way of looking at Paul's extremely complex book of Romans.

Happy. I'll be home in about 60 hours or so.

On the way to recovery

2004-12-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

I had a repair session with my instructor who did a wonderful job of forcing the ripple to a minimum. It still has slight scarring but someone said something about character, which I don't think really applies to this case. It's not visible unless you really look at the bell, plus it won't really change the tone of the horn becuase it's not an inner tube of the horn. My newly owned Yamaha 667 is a Geyer wrap professional model, no easy instrument to see a dent in. The 3 inch dent was first placed in the outer rim of the bell and rippled into the smaller tubing. Now there is only an imperfect wired rim with a scar where the ripple was making it not necessary for me to mourn anymore, but I'm still not happy.

my baby's first scraped knee

2004-12-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

It's probably a terrible analogy, but my F horn has a huge ripple in the bell. Yes I'm depressed. I've taken great care of it, haven't quite paid it off. I set it down for 30 seconds and come back and there's my rim has been extended about 3 inches. Doing exactly what I shouldn't do, I bent it back into place but in the process I rippled interior of my bell. #1 I'm pissed at myself for trying to fix it when I shouldn't have touched it. #2 I'm pissed at whoever would touch my horn making a dent in it even if by accident and then walk away and not find the owner. Especially at a Christian event at a church. I think I have reason enough.
But alas, I have a lesson today with the king of practicality himself, who will no doubt find a satisfying remedy. He suggested hammering it out with some soft mallet, percussion equipment, but now I'm just afraid to touch it and I don't really want to break down. I hate that I'm so upset about a material possession. I really hate it.

here's what I want

2004-12-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

I want a Motorola V600 with rebate and a plan with Singular-rollover, 450 minutes, unlimited nights and weekends, and free roaming (and free incoming calls would be nice). Is this possible? Is this too much to ask?

To question authority?

2004-12-01T02:04:00.000-08:00

"If we don't serve our own country, we're patronizing our own hero"

Interestingly enough, this line takes place in an uprising hit called Mosh by Eminem. I hope you watch the whole thing. I had to watch it more than once. I don't support Eminem's lifestyle or his hate. I didn't support Kerry. But somehow I still think there's something to be said here albeit mistaken in many instances. Something to understand about our peers. Something that can be confused when it is so mixed in with truth that it can be circuitous and often confusing.

I'd like to know your response to this video...

Day of Thanks

2004-11-24T07:46:00.000-08:00

My day of thanks was yesterday. People were even commenting on how happy I seemed to be which really got me thinking about why I could be happy. It's because the day had turned over. Monday was basically hell, yet humorous if you can believe that. Here's why.

This was a day for nerves to creep into my stomach and into the part of my mind which controls the steadiness of my hands and the level of spastic movement in my kneecaps. I feared nothing yet I was still taken over by an unsure anxiety. "Conducting is not performing" I kept telling myself, but it didn't help. I would be taking an exam leading the rest of my class in three songs from Handel's Messiah. I hadn't worked on it enough, but I knew I would be fine. It went by like all things do, with average outcome. But then came the performance that will keep it's hold in my memory for countless time.

I couldn't find Jonathan and the recital had already started. I was missing my piano accompanist. I sat still while my eyes wandered profusely through the crowd entering the auditorium. There was somewhat of a wished for relief with the absence of a performance. If I could not find him, I would not play. I wished I didn't have to, but it was the last recital therefore this was my last chance to receive a grade for performance class. My options were running out. Running to the other side of campus, I searched through the other auditorium wondering if he had gone to the wrong recital. Twenty minutes later of waiting for a trumpet concerto to end, I entered the auditorium but found no Jonathan. Returning to the lower level of my auditorium from where we would walk onto the stage, I asked who was next and of course it was no one other than myself. But I was told to get the next person until I could find Jonathan. I ran around the auditorium to the top where I could tell the next person that she was up, but while I saw her I also saw Jonathan sitting there waiting.

We played. I was sweating and nervous and I couldn't believe how ridiculous this all was. Jonathan decided that we should only play the first short movement of our piece, therefore, we had about a 2 minute piece to play after I ran back to the top of the auditorium remembering where I had left my music. The piece went fine with little disturbances, but because it was 20th century music and very dissonant the audience probably didn't even know when there was a mistake. Backstage I sat down with my F horn on my lap while my heart calmed down. Two voice majors performed while I sat and chatted a little with my accompanist.

Jonathan then decides that we should play the second movement. This is all chaos now, questionably disruptive and more than I can fathom, but I agreed. I had to admit it was a humorous and clever scheme. So, we went back out there. I was calm and internally laughing while holding it in from being expressed as I was in performance mode. The audience could not figure out while we were back out there. The formal invitation to play with an applause was neglected while they searched through their programs not understanding. I was not offended. I actually found pleasure in this. I could breathe, my heart was not convulsing like during the first movement. The movement was more difficult and we actually made more mistakes than in the first, but it was still redeemable on the fact that it was 20th century dissonance. I bowed at their redeeming applause, which I forgot to do before. I offered my hand, in a less than anomalous stance, to invite the audience's applause to be directed toward my accompanier. It was finished. we walked to dinner in a trance, laughing at reactions. My nerves did not dissapear and I still could not eat from the disruption of my stomach all day, but I had enjoyed it. I need that kind of calmness and enigmatic persuasive presence indefinately, not just when I defy tradition.

From dinner I found calmness in convention once again during symphonic band rehearsal for Candlelight Carols which lasted the rest of the evening. And then the day turned and I found a joy that I have not had for quite some time. It was unexplainable and yet I forgot to give thanks until I was awaiting the turn of that day.

Ready for some pie?

2004-11-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

I'm ready for hugs. That's probably what I'm most looking forward to, and that's pretty unnusual for me. I just don't get bear hugs or backrubs here. It's like people are afraid to touch each other here. It might "cause someone to stumble" even though we really need other people's touch. Yeah, so. I'm ready to sleep in my own bed. I'm ready for a magnificent bonfire and friends from high school getting back together and catching up. I'm really ready to sit on my porch swing. Yes, I know you've heard it over and over, but I freaking miss that time I spent on the swing this summer staring out into my wooded surroundings, especially in the rain. bla bla bla. I'm even ready for a 12 hour car ride partially through the night with some guy that I've never met before (even though he's on my brother floor). Ready to be home.

procrastination is the devil

2004-11-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

I can't stop thinking about time and how it affects us. While we wait, and we know not what for, this time thing along with the joys that we will miss pass us by. I'm learning so much and not even from school, which is an amazing learning experience in and of itself. But surprisingly, I'm learning from conversations with coworkers at work. They're such great people and I doubt that they are Christians. The thing is that I've had more intelligent and thought provoking conversations with them than I have had with anyone at Moody in a long time, not including Mike every Friday. But these are not conversations about glossed over spirituality (not that my conversations with Mike are either), but they are conversations about ethics and philosophy of life, about passion of music, about society's control of the minds of youth, and about seizing every moment for it's joy, not just seizing every day, but every moment. I love this, the passions of a non-believer that are so evident and engaged in moral issues, even ones that are biblical based and they probably don't even know it.

I don't know how I got from time to morality, but that doesn't really matter. What I was going to say about my time is actually in the form of a question. Is it possible to be able to over-emphasize time management? I know it's something that I've always struggled with, but it feels like now, I have too much so. I have to catch my free time on the weekends, while there is still little time to sit back and relax. I have tons of coffee, but no time to sit and chat with a friend while drinking it (well not tons, but you get the picture). Not that anyone really cares about my day, but here's what it looks like. And I'm not doing this for sympathy or for someone's motherly voice to tell me that I'm killing myself, b/c I don't need to hear it, I already know this.

1) Wake up, roll out of bed, get to class.
2) No breaks for lunch, I'm lucky if I can catch lunch after 2 or 3
3)Back to class usually until 4 or 4:30
4) Walk to work, it's right around the corner
5) Work until 10pm, no time to eat although I'm not usually hungry if I eat at 3 and I fill up on drinks at work b/c they're free.
6) Get back and waste an hour doing nothing
7) Hit the books or waste a few more hours until 2am, 1am if I'm lucky, go to bed.
8) Do the same thing with some variation the next day.

I mean it's not terrible, and it's not the rest of my life. Probably just till the end of the semester. That's what I'm looking forward to. And I'm really looking forward to being home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so that's about it.

2004-11-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't really be sitting here at Jillann's computer writing this blog because I have a stack of notes and studying to do for the other exam tomorrow. I have no motivation after 6 hours of training for Starbuck's and still not feeling like I really know anything. It better freakin' come with time, b/c next time I work, I don't want to sit at their table again and read through manual after freakin' manual. Ok I'm done venting. But, we do get free drinks while we work. So my 6 hours consisted of a cold Caramel Machiatto and a Peppermint Mocha while I studied manuals and only began a 2 hour computer program teaching me the register program. So, on to studying some more, only slightly more interesting. I work Sat. and Sun.
Today is better than yesterday, but I can't wait to see how tomorrow turns out.

need to rest

2004-11-10T20:09:00.000-08:00

So, the computer is gone and I don't have money to fix it. I don't have a computer. I have a theory mid term tomorrow that I feel like I'm going to fail even though I sat in Katie's room going over everything that will be on the exam, while almost in tears. I hate theory so much. I have a music literature exam on friday which is going to be tough. I haven't started studying for this yet, although I know I will be fine after a mean study session. But the thing is that I got a job at Starbuck's hurray, which I've been happy about all day until this evening. God decided to answer huge prayers all in one week, but then dumped a whole lot of stress right back on. I'm training tomorrow from 4:30 to 10pm which could have been effective and beneficial study time. Lord, just get me through this week. I'm also cleaning a lady's apartment tomorrow, or going to meet her and give her my schedule.

Life is a little crazy right now. Don't get me wrong. I've thanked God every moment since I've gotten these jobs because I couldn't wait to be out of this feeling of debt and of spending money I did not have. It's better, but I still have a long way to go. I want to be home drinking coffee having an excellent conversation with my sister or mom on the front porch. Later I want to smoke a cigar and play my guitar and drink some more coffee or tea. I'll be fine. Can't wait to be getting home.

I'm moving buildings next semester. I'm playing raquetball more often. My sister came to Chicago this weekend with her art class from Taylor University. They were in Chicago to visit galleries and museams (anything containing art, really). I'm reading a novel about Perpetua for class. All I want to do is read and sleep and close myself off from the word for momentary peace. Perpetua has an amazing story, and the book hardly does justice.

PC troubles

2004-10-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

B's computer crapped out last week, so she's been using mine. We even hooked up her printer, but since then my computer has been acting really strangely. When it's on, the screen flickers (it's more of a few seconds than a flicker) from my desktop of icons to just my desktop background picture. During the short duration of time that the icons appear, it allows me to double click on an icon, but it won't perform any tasks. It won't even bring up a full box from Control+Alt.+Delete. I had it off for the night, hoping that it would improve, but I haven't checked it yet. I'm in the library waiting for chapel at 10. If anyone has any suggestions to what it may be, spare me expense(is there even an expense?)/time of taking it in to ETS.

On a side note, my sister should be coming up next weekend with her art profs for a weekend of museams. Hopefully I can go stay with her wherever she's staying and possibly spend the weekend in museams despite the lack of funds.

Time for chapel.

A Stór Mo Chroí

2004-10-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

A Stór Mo Chroí, when you're far away
Far from the land you'll be leaving,
It's many a time by night and by day
That your heart will be sorely grieving.
For the stranger's land may be bright and fair,
And rich in its treasures golden.
But you'll pine, I know, for the long, long ago
And the love that is never olden.

A Stór Mo Chroí, in the stranger's land
There is plenty of wealth and wailing.
Whilst gems adorn the great and the grand
There are faces with hunger pailing.
Though the road is toilsome, and hard to tread
And the lights of their cities will blind you.
Won't you turn a stór to Erin's shore
And the ones that you're leaving behind you.

A Stór Mo Chroí, when the evening's mist
Over mountain and sea is falling,
won't you turn away from the throng
And maybe you'll hear me calling.
For the sound of a voice that is surely missed
For somebody's quick returning.
A ruin, a ruin, oh won't you come back soon
To the ones who will always love you.

"A Stór Mo Chroí" is Irish and means approximately "darling of my heart."

Brian O'Higgins was an Irish patriot who took part in the 1916 Rising and was an active Republican for the rest of his life. He published a yearly newsletter called the Wolfe Tone Annual that served as a counterblast to the views propagated by the ‘revisionist’ official historians in Ireland.

He wrote a large number of patriotic songs and poems, many under the pen name of Brian na Banban. Most of his works were written in response to specific events, so they have tended to become lost to dusty tomes as memory of the events faded and they lost their significance. Now when they are sung, they usually require an explanation of the events on which they were based.
MP3 (1.1 meg) performed by Brian Hart

2am

2004-10-26T01:11:00.000-07:00

I've been working on 'For the Glory of the Lord' in Handel's Messiah. It had been hanging over my head all weekend because the exam in my conducting class was today. I finally got started practicing last night and then I couldn't practice when B came in the room. I just couldn't do it. So I stopped and skipping 2 classes I practiced for an hour and a half before the exam. I got a B-. It was tough and it's over, so I don't care. During oratorio Chorus tonight someone from our class had to conduct the whole choir on that song and I actually wanted to stand up there in front of more than 100 people and conduct them. I worked hard enough for it and even cried over because it was so aggravating. Handel does not write some easy crap. I have it in my head. I couldn't sleep last night because it was in my head. I'm glad it's over. I hate these stupid surveys that people send to me, but somehow I got suckered into taking this one because Debra loves them, so if anyone cares, it's here.

If someone wants to design me a beautiful webpage for my little blog, that would be freaking amazing. I'm a little jealous of Erin's. : )

Now on to reading Isaiah and Revelations and a Psalm before I sleep. Until the day turns....Suenos Lindos (dream beautiful)

things to do before I die

2004-10-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

I don't really know if I believe in making a list of things to do before I die, seeing as how I've never really made goals for my life other than to be faithful servant. So, I'm taking these very lightly and will not be disappointed if I die before I do these things, not that I will care after I'm dead. But I think the idea is interesting so here they are.
Before I die, I'd like to...

1) spend 3 or more years of my life anywhere other than the US
2) visit Germany
3) go back to Honduras and meet the little boy I sponsor
4) visit China
5) get more than $7 for each picture I have published
6) memorize a whole book of the bible
7) visit India
8) jump out of an airplane
9) write a book
10) get it published
11) own a djembe
12) learn how to play violin enough to not be embarrassed
13) write a song worthy of having someone famous sing it
14) learn to play the drums
15) ride on the Blue Ridge Parkway not as a passenger
16) learn how to communicate with people better
17) learn a tribal language
18) learn German
19) play lacrosse
20) visit Italy

Rugby

2004-10-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

I could mention all the parts of my body that hurt right now, but I'd rather you think of me as tough. (Sometimes I wish I grew up with three brothers like Erin, but alas I did not.) Debra got a rugby ball for her birthday so we played today. We had a game of 3 on 3 for a while until we lost one and added 2 kids from either England or Ireland, I couldn't really figure it out. So we surely were playing wrong until they hopped in. It's terribly hard unless you figure out to pass, and I'm sure there are still things I have no idea about. I just went out and tackled people and got tackled. Man, it was fun. I wish I was better in shape.

Debra I think we should play every Saturday.

a consistency she could not find

2004-10-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

She froze because she knew that although she was in a safe enough environment, her mind was in a state of chaos. Her thoughts were far from static. Why would a matter of the mind affect her physical state? In the power of the moment she felt overwhelmingly secure, yet something she had heard, something she felt was wrong. Unsure in her security, she, maybe subconsciously, subsided into a less rapid movement, one non-existent.

This state provoking brokenness of mind and of spirit was not held long. Although she was used to brokenness and was thankful for it, she saw this as a beginning not a repeat of apathy. All she could force her arms to do was to pick up a book. She didn't want to open it, but her arms were disobedient. Silence, waiting, struggle, and then study. An aversion to routine. She wanted what she did not know and she knew not what she wanted. But it was the meat, not milk, which overcame inability. The day turns.

She sees no difference, but what we alone know is that she won't. It's a goal that suppresses her today. She has to be true to that goal. She can't fail it. She still knows not what, but with all of herself, she knows that the only way out is repetition. Discernment is slow. She cannot enter community until she finds a wholeness. She will not succeed. It's not allegory. No tail. The day will turn, and then next, and she may be the same, or she may be different. She will learn to revel in love, truth, divinity, and she will find purpose. It does not exclude cyclic brokenness. She will fail. She will fall. It is my job to lift her up, to help, not condemn but to see her through. She will have apathy for my prevalent nature. She will even dispute it seeing it is unnecessary, but she will not walk alone in her silence, waiting, struggle and study.

what I should know

2004-10-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

That I should know how many deaths there are is mandatory: there are 3. That I should know the 3 different views concerning Romans 5:12 and be able to write an essay answer about them is mandatory: I don't know them. That I make a good grade on this paper which is on Romans 5:12 is mandatory: I will probably not do so hot or the essay question. Here's what I do know. We were doomed before birth. Physical death, spiritual death, and the second death, eternal death. We were doomed and many still are.

On a rather less depressing note...I'm drinking fake hot chocolate in my cold room listening to Vinny Miller (he has a few good songs, you just have to find them). B and Erik are in Ohio for the weekend at a wedding. Therefore, I have the room to myself this weekend. And I really have no one to go see at guys' open house tomorrow night. I don't think I'm going to go. It's formal first of all, second I don't really know my brother floor other than a few. Last year I would skip floors to say hi to all my friends while budgeting my time. This year I don't have friends. I don't really care. The few friends I do have are quality.

On an even less depressing note...I'm trying really hard to think of something less depressing, hold on... oh. My mom sent me black shoes in the mail.

Margie's Candies

2004-10-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

I wish I could be writing the article for this assignment. I would have much to say. Margie's Candies is located on the corner of Armitage and Western. I needed to make the trip today to get the shots for the school newspaper article. I switched from bus to 'L' and walked a block or two into this store that I could tell was old. Old in a good way. Open since 1921 in the same location. I walked up to the owner, Peter P., Margie's son. He was cutting carmel into squares and I asked if I could take some shots of his store for our article. He said thanks and sure, so I took some shots and came back to him to take some shots of him working with the caramel. I sat down.

We started talking about God. It came out of the blue. He started asking questions because I had introduced myself as a student at Moody Bible Institute. He told me about how he enjoyed Moody's Christmas presentations. He showed me how to cut caramel and I took pictures of him as we talked about salvation. We talked about him being Greece Orthodox, but how that didn't say what he believed. We talked about levels of pureness and a works based faith. We talked about if we should be allowed to enter heaven. He told me about himself being an honest doctor before he retired and about warts and surgery. He said he lived a good life and that only God would decide if he should enter heaven although he didn't deserve it. He told me that heaven and hell were just states of mind and not actual places. People started coming in his place. I told him I would return sometime to finish our conversation. I intend on doing so with two tickets to our performance of Messiah if I can afford it.

the Bears put me to sleep.

2004-10-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my weekend. Friday I met Rachell, Thom's girl, again for the first time since last year. We went to the Friday night sing at Moody Memorial. Honestly I wasn't that impressed with Big Daddy Weave or Kristy shoot I forgot her last name. But the tickets were free and it was a chance to do something with Elaine, Thom, and Rachell. Sometimes I whole days are blotted from my memory unless I force myself to sit and think for a while, connecting things. This is exactly what has happened to my Saturday. I can't really remember anything other than getting on a bus alone and then an 'L' to get to Halsted where Erik and B picked me up to spend the night at a couple's house from Erik's church. All good and fun. Caught the end of the Bears game before I fell asleep and then was awoken for lunch. It's funny because I can't really remember where the rest of Sunday went after I got back to my room. I think I remember getting mad at B and going to the second floor to watch TV, but other than that, I don't know.

Today is a whole different story. I worked hard. I wanted to start my Romans paper, but I was too stressed with everything else. I wrote everything out that I had to get done before Wednesday and after becoming aware, I started to get to work. I wrote 2 papers, and took a take home midterm after semi-studying, finished another assignment and started getting books for my Romans paper. That's all I did, all day. I spent 3 hours in the library with JT and I still feel like this Romans paper isn't getting any easier. I am writing it with Melinda on my floor which should make me feel better but it doesn't. We're writing on different things tomorrow, concerning the same topic and then coming together tomorrow night to put it all together. It's dues Wed at noon, so we'll see how that turns out. I always get so stressed right before I actually get started, but then it seems to fly by. I'm hoping the same will be true of "original sin" and "death through sin" and "sin through Adam".

I'm guessing that tomorrow will be consumed with "sin" and my photography assignment. I meant to take the 'L' out to Maggie's Candies, but never did. So tomorrow's my last day. I also need to shoot Lindsay when she gets back from break. I just can't imagine where I'd be right now if I'd decided to go to my sisters. yikes.

2004-10-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

Michael Hoeltzel is an internationally renound horn player and conductor from Germany. He played principal horn in the Munich, Germany Orchestra and has made many recordings including Mozart Concerti which he performed and conducted. He headed a master class at Concordia University in Forest View, IL today and I got to sit in with my teacher. I had the opportunity to play something for him, but I chose not to for various reasons.

This man has ambition. He was telling us how he learned to lip trill which is the most aggrivating part of music for me right now. I know how it should be, but it's not coming. He had lessons Tuesdays and Fridays at 7:30am, which was okay with him becuase he normally got up at 6:30 to start practicing. Hoeltzel's rival had lessons right before of after him, so he was hang around Hoeltzel's lesson to listen. A Tuesday's lesson came and the teacher found out that Hoeltzel could not lip trill, so Hoeltzel spent Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday trying to lip trill until it just happened, which I'm told is how you learn. Friday came around and the whole lesson went by without any lip trills until the very end when he remembered that there was something Hoeltzel was supposed to work on. Hoeltzel played his lip trills on many different keys in ascending order and the teacher would not believe that he had not known how to play them on last Tuesday's lesson. His advice, put yourself under pressure to learn how to lip trill.

It's normal for him to practice 8 hours a day. Like I said, this man has ambition and I admire that.

in town for the weekend

2004-10-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Missions Conference just ended. There's a concert tonight at Moody Memorial and I'm hanging out with some friends before the concert.

Debra, Alison, Justin, and I went to a Deathcab for Cutie concert last night and the whole time I was hoping that they'd play a Postal Service song (same lead singer, Ben Gibbard) They didn't even promote their Vote for Change tour, which was just fine for me. We had pancakes and coffee at Clarke's afterwards around 10:30.

I decided to stay here for the weekend rather than go spend the weekend in Upland with my sister so I could write this Romans paper. I haven't started. I haven't even gone to the library yet. It seems like everyone is leaving except B and Erik and Justin which is good, but I'm going to be in the library the whole freaking weekend. Actually, no not really. I've got to call Dave and Busters to check if they're still hiring and then maybe set up my interview with Argo Tea, which I took pics for for the school newspaper. I've got 2 more assignments this weekend, one will be easy, the other one, Lindsay, is of course gone for the weekend.

We had two last sessions this morning. The first was somewhat about contextualization on the missions field and how to be culturally acceptable and effective in the sharing the gospel. I loved it. I've received so much insight on how the Islam and other cultures view Christianity and how we've come across as a Christian nation. It's really scary actually. They not only look at our nation as a Christian nation in morals and media, but they also find problems in our theology that I would never have thought of such as Jonah being related to the resurrection. If Jonah represents Christ's resurrection, and Jonah really didn't die in the fish those three days and nights, how can we say that Christ died. And isn't it obvious that Joseph and Mary were trying to cover up something by 1) staying in an inn/stable when Joseph would have stayed with family in Bethlehem, and 2) Joseph and Mary were obviously trying to get rid of the baby Jesus because they laid him in a feeding troph while the animals were still in the stable. But it is still such a miraculous story because the shephards came and told Joseph and Mary that they should keep the baby becuase he would be the Messiah.

It all sounds so strange to us, but it makes sense to them. The key statement that I've gotten from this conference is this "We are to keep in mind that the important thing in communication (in another culture and our own) is not what you say but what they hear and understand from from what we say or how we act, and through this which helps develop relationships can we effectively communicate the gospel."

Missions Conference and Dear Sarah Massey

2004-10-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

There is so much that I could say today. I just can't even fathom how much my mind has been filled with things I've never known. Last night after the band played to open up Missions Conference I saw a recently made friend and invited him to hang out with us. 6 of us ended up going to 3rd coast for some desert or whatnot. I don't know what I can say that would do the evening justice. We had one hell of a conversation going on and it was constant. I'm really glad that Ryan decided to come. I love talking to people like him who have such different minds. He's a grad of Moody, a linguist who wants to translate in PNG, who loves botany, carpentry, and steel. He definitely told us a massive "Chaos Theory" that he's been forming and wants to get published. It was very intellectual and impressive.
We had conversation going everywhere across the table at different points and I thoroughly enjoyed the level of depth our contrasting and unique conversations no matter the subject.

I slept through the first session of the conference this morning, but was very interested in the later sessions such as Contextualization, Music in Europe, Faith in Conflict by Wycliffe's Chuck Michaels. Man, very impressed and excited about being out on the mission field, somewhere. Oh and the session before I had to leave, I sat with Justin and we took notes on Tentmaking and the Church Planting Movement with this missionary from South Africa to Indonesia speaking. PCM was fun as always, where I met this little girl named Sarah Massey who didn't really fit in with the other kids and I figured out why. She was brilliant. She was telling me about Pointelism and who her favorite painters were. I'm guessing that she was in 4th grade, I didn't get to ask. I was very impressed and I hope that the relationship will bloom into something of importance. Dear Sarah, brilliant and homeschooled, and amazing. You speak better English that I do and you live in a black suburb of Chicago. So out of place in this world.

more time in the unsocial gym

2004-10-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

So I spent an hour and a half in Doane tonight practicing violin. That should say it all. I constantly fail at seeking out time with others when I could be caged with only the 6x6 portal to human life. I was thoroughly frustrated with my abilities to play violin. I know what it should sound like, I just can't make it sound that way. I got further along in the book and I have more to work on still, although the book is a beginner's book for elementary kids and I'm a music major in college. Therefore, I'm flying through the book.

I'm sorry, I don't feel like I have anything of relevance to say. My books along with my mind are scattered everywhere. I just made it through a long day of music and mid terms. I'm drinking coffee to prepare myself for the work ahead. I have much to read, although I probably won't get far enough to consider anything accomplished.

I'm probably staying at school so I can get this freaking long paper on Romans written, although it shouldn't be too difficult considering I have a partner who happens to be down my hall, who happens to also be staying at school during study/reading days (aka fall break). I just have to tell my sister that I can't come see her.

Oh I do have this incredibly weird story to tell, and kudos to you if you read the whole thing. I needed a ride out to my cousin's last year and I was going to get a ride out to church with this guy, Mike, whom I had never met before. He decided he wasn't going out on Sunday but he offered me a ride on Saturday, after I performed for founder's week. Anyway, this is not the story. I took the ride, I had never met him. He played french horn and we had nothing else in common. And I definitely had a huge crush on him the next semester. Ok, anyway, there's this kid in our McDuffy group every friday that I've had two conversations with. His name also happens to be Mike. But see I felt like I got to know him pretty well within those conversations. We skipped right from beginnings of superficiality to our views of different things. I loved it and I thinks that's when I blogged about superficiality. I had been exposed to someone who could be social and not superficial. So of course, I wanted to talk to him again and expected to. Then I received this information which I knew to be a rumor, but I still had this question in my mind. I was told the Mike was being kicked out for drinking. And because this Mike had just told me that he had recently turned 21, I made an ass of myself for assuming. Yes I said ass.

Mike is gone and I'm sad that he's gone because he played french horn even though we had terrible communication right before he left. I think he was somehow trying to say goodbye, but all that came out was, "I guess we don't really have anything else in common".

Learning big lessons comes sometimes from knowing and then applying, even if you've known forever, but never have the change for application.

a dead girl

2004-10-10T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm terrible. I didn't really pay attention in church this morning although I do know that it was the second sermon on Mark 6:21-43, A dead girl and a sick women. I just don't remember the application. I started looking through my journal around the time of the Scandinavia tour and my summer. Just remembering things that I used to believe and how they have changed and how much I've changed even within the past 4 months. I know, even if we don't admit it, people hate change. If we are again, comfortable, we will stay in one place. That is one way to look at sin. It is constant. I've been interested in the Holy Spirit's movement lately. It seems like we downplay such movement in our lives not giving full credit to the full trinity to that extreme, but also we might be caught in the other extreme of tritheism, seperating each figure completely from the others. Or we may unconsciously develop a level of subordination where we label the Father above the Son above the Holy Spirit. Sorry to get all theological on you, but I'm learning it and I also make it concrete by explaining it to someone else. Plus I love knowing the terms.

Yeah, I have a midterm tomorrow and I've been studying. It's in my mind. I still have theory homework to do, even though we have keyboarding, crap, which I didn't practice. (keyboarding as in piano) I can't believe we're half through the semester. Very excited about that. And again the time comes where I'm left with the decision of setting up next semester's classes. If I don't take photography I could take another get ahead class which would put me a semester ahead of my class. I'm already pretty much there with the summer class I was working on of which I have a 6 month extension on. Anyway, if I'm correct I'll be about10 credits shy of calling myself a junior by completion of this semester, which can be something that I'm proud of for working my a** off (sorry mom) or I probably could have spent my time doing things like getting to know people better. Well, you learn the hard way, I'd say. I'll let you know how those mid terms go. Gotta get back to work.

what do you want on your epitaph?

2004-10-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

My prof took us to Graceland Cemetery today for a few hours and gave us the historical background of many of the people in this cemetary. I had two favorites. Allan Pinkerton who came from Scotland and realized he was good at decective work and started up the secret service becoming Lincoln's bodyguard. His tomb is surrounded by family and employee's including Kate Warn, the first female decective, and Joseph Whicher, killed in pursuit of Jesse James. Oh, Eternal Silence is a classic you have to see. It supposedly could not be photographed (it wouldn't show up in pictures), my guess is becuase it used to be solid black, but obviously it can be now. But my other favorite was Inez Clark who died at age 6 from being struck by lightning at a family picnic. Her family was so distraught that they had a Cicilian architect make a statue of her and to protect it it has been covered with plexiglass making a very eery site. It is supposedly one of the haunted sites in this cemetary, read the story.

We were supposed to have time by ourselves where we could just sit and pray or have time to think about well, death. Which I find intriguing actually. I started thinking about why we receive so much pain from another's death when it is something that is so consistent and such a cycle in this world. My prof brought this up for us to think about and it is so relevant here. "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." 10 points to anyone who can cite that reference without outside sources. Or, I'll just tell you if you don't know. Anyway, it so applies that a man on his deathbed will not say, "I should have spent more time in the office." Which is where the pivot point lays in my life and where I should be spending my time. I know here at school I don't have a lot of options, and I'm here for one reason, but maybe someone else needs to here it. What are we doing in life that will make a difference and what needs to change? What do you want on your epitaph?

scissors to swords

2004-10-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Why does ostentation (superficiality) bother me so much. I can't explain it. I don't even want to go down to dinner because my table, my floor's table is full of it. I don't really care what they think of me when I show up for meals twice a week and then don't have anything to say to them. How can it be that I'm so comfortable without reactions, without the confirmation of others, while seemingly the majority is thrashing about in search of attention that I won't give, that I don't know how to give. It's not that I'm worried about being comfortable, because if that's what it was about I would have been gone so long ago. But I know that this won't be comfortable, this life. Maybe this is extreme, but here's one way to look at it. If we are comfortable we are not working hard enough. Not saying to look for the uncomfortable situations in life, but that God does not call us to the comfortable, laid back life. He calls us to be embassadors and to make disciples in every nation. That can't be comfortable. I don't know how I got from ostentation to the great commission, but regardless we do have a purpose in this life and a roll. We are not just to stand firm apon our rock and foundation, but also run with it. It's kind of like running with scissors, except replaced with a sword.

when we give our love

2004-10-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

A girl from a background unknown to me becomes striving for affirmation and my heart hurts for her. I want to love her before I've even learned her name. Her name is Kodiva and she's leaning against me with my hand on her shoulder as we watch the more skilled girls go at double dutch. I haven't felt that touch of love for so long and I realize I need it as much as she does but I'm afraid to confirm that epiphany. Why shouldn't I rather cease to give something so profound? Why would I fear a child's decision of the heart? I want to love her as you love me. But more so, I want her to be able to love someone else with your love. If I am just a tool, a step in her life, let it be.

heart of copious satisfactions

2004-10-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

Desires of my heart, be strong,
do not lose your grip on my stamina
in this long search for affirmation
and suppression of oppression.
Desires, be of my heart
and not of societal realm,
for no good comes of copious endeavors.
Desires be of third nature.
be not of me, be not destroying
with sagacious incredulity,
but be of His heart
who gives desire meaning
and will satisfy them all.

this light

2004-10-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

We had band pictures today outside at the beginning of rehearsal. Everyone began to arrive clad in our infamous black velvet V-neck dresses and guys in wedding tuxes. Jillann and I are known for wearing jeans underneath so we can quickly and discreetly change as soon as we're through. We stand on the high school risers while we are adjusted and formed as the sun begins to get warmer and warmer. By the time we are set and the angles of our instruments are decided, we have lost almost all vision before we are told where to look. The photographer tells us to look beyond the camera into the shadowed street so we will not squint and grimace from the light in our eyes. And as he calls out 1...2....3, our smiles have become fake and he must once again reposition us and check the light and count again. The whole time, we are forcing ourselves to look beyond into the dark.
It's seems so relevant. The light that we can never fully look into. Something even painful. It provides sufficiency on a worldy base for a posed picture and yet it is distracting. We pose. We act. We look beyond into the dark because no one will even notice when the picture is printed. Just a slight adjustment here and there and we are on our way. We are tested and we fudge to get through. We even turn fully from that brilliance because we feel incapable of withstanding it.
When will the time be that I may look fully on that light without a hint of a grimace, without the need to be shaded? Oh, how I long for that day.

a dream

2004-10-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

a tail end of a bizarre dream...
...Ester Carlson was filming an amateur movie on the scene of some sort of cathedral structure where I was looking out into a crowd (it's definitely irrelevant that I had my little white pillow with me). So, our soccer tournament just ends and this rather large crowd begins to flow thought the streets to the airport, so I begin to run because I have already made the trip once and therefore know where I am going. I meet up with this kid Jamal and an unknown friend and because he does not know the way, I lead. We rip through alleys and make at least 7 or 8 turns and I of course know exactly where we are headed. This town is not familiar though, the houses are a mix between Tegucigalpa little hill houses and Chicago's suburbs. We're running hard and we finally cut across a grassy area and then a parking lot into hospital rolling doors and then just as we are about to descend down black stairs into the abyss of "our flight", up comes Lydia Mayes and Luke Olson dressed in Waxhaw's purple rec team soccer uniforms coming from a lost tournament game. Hugs all around and I slowly start hearing these voices and a consistent patter of feet on stairs (people going down our stairs to class) until I find myself in that state of awareness and responsibility, but it is too late. It's 9 and my alarm is dimly chanting whatever song is on the radio at that time. No harm done, freaking weird dream and I'm sure there was tons more before the whole filming thing.

because you don't

2004-10-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm reading through I Kings and of course I came apon I Kings 4:9, which should give you reason to go get those dusty bibles off your shelves and open them suckers up. Then say hello to his sister Erin Dekker http://allblackandwhite.blogspot.com because Ben is in the Philippines. Maybe she can relay the message. (it wouldn't let me put a link to her name, sad)

A challenge to me and a challenge in turn to you...
What do the first 15 seconds of your morning look like like? The moments where you come right into awareness of responsibility forcing you to react and return to reality. Are they what they should be?

6 by 6

2004-10-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

Because dorms are incubators for disease, I have as a result caught the common cold which has destroyed me. I felt it coming last Sunday while in Wheaton with my sister. It's definitely Friday and it's the worst it's been so far. If you start with a sore throat and then it goes away be warned, there may be more coming. I'm going on day 3 without a voice and it's the most aggravating thing I've dealt with in a long time. It's funny that I never want to say anything until I don't have a voice. Isn't that so true about other things as well. When we realize that we can't have something, we want it all the more and we do things that lower our standards to try to possess that thing, although we still may not receive it. *Let me just pause to say that I do have things to say, often. But I'm not the kind of person to ramble or even small talk much. I do realize that it is a part of communication in getting to know people, but if I have to opportunity to jump into a more constructive conversation, that is where I would much rather place my debilitated voice.

Lately I've been thinking about my future more and more. Not excessively I believe, not where it can be destructive to our faith in sovereignty. Just thinking about it and planning with the knowledge that my plan will most likely fall short. For example, I have a feeling that the French horn performance aspect of my music will not find a place in any third world countries. I'm still practicing as much as I can with this load of classes, but it's not my life, not that it ever was. Therefore, thanks to Jim brother of Charlie I have this violin and I've been practicing it. I sound terrible and honestly I'm not used to that. I know that's about as far away from humble as I can get, but I'm used to being pretty good at French horn and now I'm picking up this instrument and trying to learn from scratch. It's tough. But it helps having calluses from guitar. So I'm up in Doane 3 switching from French horn to piano to violen and when I get to violen I always have people peaking through the 6" by 6" window to see who's so terrible at violen. It's hilarious and intimidating.

This little window of revelation, I always find intriguing. With the vertical black line, like the defrost lines on the back window of your car,crossing to form diamonds. A feeling of shaped enclosure with only a porthole to the outside world. You can lose yourself in many ways in that little white room. Be warned, freshmen.

I'm meeting with McDuffy's discussion group at 3. We working through Life Together by Deitrich Bonhoeffer, a man with an incredible story. I'm not only amazed by this book and this man, but also the level that this group has placed knowledge on and the committment that McDuffy has given us in this small group. I always come away overloaded with things I never thought about and I love it more than anything. It's my breathe from classes on a Friday afternoon. I can't miss it.

no need to be humble

2004-09-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

Has this fog really lifted from my sight such as I imagine and hope? Or will it creep in on me, never remitting or favonian. Will I be swept back into a desolate, desperate need to be en masse with you, whom sustains me, whom I pursue. To be without thee, my being cries in sorrow. When I cannot feel you presence I ache with wrong and long for a debtor's gift. Not merciless disproval of earthly venture, but stored up kingdoms and crowns measured for my mind in pleasure, with no need to be humble. No need to be humble.

something new for you

2004-09-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

Something new for you to close your hands apon like a fresh bouquet, but watch out for the thorns, there may be a few.

My book list is growing. Some are unclear, such as authors or the exact name of the book, but I'm sure that I will be able to find it, when I get to that book on the list.
1)The Spirit of Discipleship by Dallas Willard (recommended by my Spiritual Life and Community prof. Mr Wilkinson
2)Walter Payton's autobiography
3)The Way of the Heart (apparently the author is Catholic is what I've been told, but still no name)
4)Buck Naked Faith by ? (Dr. Joe Stowell, president of Moody, read an excerpt of this book in chapel on Tuesday and I was overwhelmed with the openness of his struggles with faith and sin, reminding me of Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller, which I also extremely encourage anyone to read)
5)Perpetua by Amy Peterson. (the story of a daughter, a sister, a mother who wrote her story while she was being persecuted and was martyred for her faith in a Roman coliseum, retold by Amy Peterson. Perpetua's written story is the oldest known writing of a female Christian.)
6)The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
7)The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison

I would love to get anyone's opinion on these books if you have read any of them.

I'm currently reading 'Life Together' by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

useless fact for the day: Queen Elizabeth was referred to as 'Oriana' in contemporary pastoral poetry. (I didn't know there was such a thing as pastoral poetry)

Speaking of poetry, random poetry for the day:

9/6
For I've done many things not worthy of your love
I've done many things not worthy of you
But you still say
You are my child, you are my lamb
Follow my ways, and I'll be who I am
Fully of mercy, full of love
I'll make you clean, as white as a dove.

It came as I was just playing guitar.

I haven't written anything in so long...what else should I let you know. Oh, I don't have a job, the babysitting fell through. So I might have to find a Crapplebee's.
That's all for now.

a villanella

2004-09-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

This is for you Stephen. It was actually in my text book for Music Literature.

Villanella
Villanella is a generic term used to denote a type of light music, often witty and sophisticated, designed for aristocratic audiences. Many villanelle satirize peasant life or the Madrigal. Features of the villanella are simple chordal texture, melody in the top voice, and regular rhythms with some syncopation. Subtypes of villanella are differentiated by dialect, type of text, or social function. The mascherata was used for masked entertainments and carnival activities, moresca texts concern Moors; and the giustiniana usually relate amorous fantasies of old men. A harmonic device frequently appearing in villanelle is a chord stream of triads containing a series of paralle fifths --progressions forbidden by contrapuntel (and harmonic) rules.
-The Development of Western Music by K Marie Stolba

Random House's version.
"A rustic Italian part song without accompaniment."

hurry sickness

2004-09-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

"If we have hurry sickness, we are haunted by the fear that there are just not enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done. We will read faster, talk faster, and when listening, nod faster to encourage the talker to accelerate. We will find ourselves chafing whenever we have to wait. At a stoplight, if there are two lanes and each contains one car, we will find ourslebves guessing -- based on the year, make, and model of each car -- which one will pull away the fastest.
At a grocery store, if we have a choice between two check-out lines, we find ourselves counting how many people are in each line, multiplying this number by the number of items per cart. If we have a really bad case of hurry sickness, then even after we get in line we keep track of the person who would have been me in the other line. If we get through the person who would have been me is still waitin, we are elated. We've won. But if the alter-me is walking out of the store and we're still in line, we feel depressed. We have hurry sickness."
~excerpt from 'The Life You've Always Wanted' by John Ortberg

All I have to say is, guilty as charged.

2004-09-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

My band director, Mr Gauger, was talking about misery today. I don't know how the temperature of the auditorium provides circumstance to talk about his views on Christian misery, but I loved it. It was so profound and I needed to hear it terribly. He said, "Christian's are to have joy, not necessarily be happy."

When we become Christians we are told that we will face trials and that it is not easy, but when we are surrounded by others, we are compelled to act; to act as if we're happy, act as if living the Christian life is easy, act fake. But God doesn't call us to be happy. It is not a life of happiness that we run the race to receive. He tells us to "Consider it pure joy" because those trials and tests develop perserverence in our spiritual life.

When I look at the benefits of a devotion so strong as this, the goal, I can't help become confident because with God's strength I can persevere through any trial and consider it joy, while I am growing in maturity and will someday reach completion.

my momentary music mentality

2004-09-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

I've come to decide that I hate music theory and that certain aspects (the ones I hate) will serve no applicable purpose after college. It's something to impress your superiors or your future students who will in turn come to the same conclusion.

I will use the basic functions and be able to see structure in my music from learning fundamentals of theory, but this will only happen when ever absolutely necessary. That I have decided, maybe just to spite whoever decided I must take theory. For the reason of structure and ear training and sight singing I will be thankful for what I have learned. And for that it is made easy, therefore being called fundamental.

Literature before the 1300's didn't even consider parallel fifths to be disasterous. Actually, parallel fifths are what fabricated early and late midievil music including catholic high mass and all other sacred music in the church, which is where music developed. There were no "rules" for music composition until later on, bringing parallel octaves and fifths under strutiny. You wouldn't have to understand secondary dominants and diminished triads and seventh chords, b/c no one knew. I wish I could live back in that day only for the simplicity of sound.

Therefore, today's mentality is to learn the rules so that you know how to break them. It's true. Enough to aggrivate the dickens out of someone such as me, where I take what I'm taught and wish to apply it without exception, when with music, the exceptions are unlimited.

I don't know how I possess so much vehemence toward one topic and have it sprawl out over other musical issues. I'm sorry that it has. I just cannot contain a dried and cracking enthusiasm any longer.

the gospel of Thomas

2004-09-11T08:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote a summary/application paper on the gospel of Thomas today and it was fascinating and somewhat disturbing. Here's a portion of the text.
"These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke and which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down. (1) And he said, "Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death." (2) Jesus said, "Let him who seeks continue seeking until he fins. When he finds, he will become troubled. When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All." (3) Jesus said, "If those who lead you say to you, 'See, the Kingdom is in the sky,' then the birds of the sky will precede you. If they say to you, 'It is tin the sea,' then the fish will precede you. Rather, the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if you will not know yoursleves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who are that poverty."...
(13) Jesus said to His disciples, "Compare me to someone and tell Me whom I am like." Simon Peter said to Him, "You are like a righteous angel." Matthew said to Him, "You are like a wise philosopher." Thomas said to Him, "Master, my mouth is wholly incapable of saying whom You are like."
Jesus said, "I am not your master. Because you have drunk, you have become intoxicated from the bubbling spring which I have measured out."
And He took him [Thomas] and withdrew and told him three things. When Thomas returned to his companions, they asked him, "What did Jesus say to you?" Thomas said to them, "If I tell you one of the things which he told me, you will pick up stones and throw them at me; a fire will come out of the stones adn burn you up"...
(110) Jesus said, "Whoever finds the world and becomes rich, let him renounce the world."
(112) Jesus said, "Woe to the flesh that depends on the soul: woe to the soul that depends on the flesh."
(114) Simon Peter said to them, "Let Mary leave us, for women are not worthy of Life." Jesus said, "I myself shall lead her in order to make her male, so that she too may become a living spirit resembling you males. For every woman who will make herself male will enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

`Readings in the History of Christian Theology, Vol 1. by William C. Placher

Wow, yeah, ok. I'll make sure I do that right away. For those of you that lack common bible knowledge. !!!This is not in the bible and is by no means inspired!!! It is a Gnostic text discovered in Nag Hammadi, Egypt. It was written in Syria, Palestine, or Mesopotamia in the second century and is interesting b/c there are many parallels between the text and that of the New Testament Gospels, but there is a huge Gnostic emphasis on secrets held by the elect and attitudes toward women. I'd say so.